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24 June 2015

energy


sun rays of delight

On the weekend, I went to my usual haunt now, the Huron Natural Area, for some walking to shake off the sitting I do at the office everyday. As I came down the path in the photo above, I was amazed by the beauty of the sun rays & the way the trees leaned over the trail making it appear to be a tunnel, or portal. It was early morning for a Saturday. It felt like magic time to be honest. Everything was still & fresh & not quite fully awake yet. There was a bit of a chill in the air. Other people were about on the paths, but not many.

The other night I had an incredibly vivid dream about an energy worker showing me how my energy is going out into the world. It was as though this energy person took a photo to show me what is invisible. I saw pinkish-orange hearts flowing from my mouth outwards in an exhale & changing into bands of ripples. Each heart & ripple was connected by a tiny thread, no matter how far out the ripples extended. It was similar to watching sunlight wink on water. Undulating. Breathtaking. Mesmerizing. 

I really like the idea of my energy flowing from me to be like heart-waves, all pinkish-orange. I've been thinking about this dream for a few days now, just soaking in the imagery & possible metaphor. The lesson for me is that I don't need to be forceful or force my energy outwards, it just flows naturally, organically. 

Perhaps this is a lesson in learning what 'going with the flow' means to me. 

15 June 2015

dark & light


morning walk on Saturday
I went for another walk on the weekend at Huron Natural Area. I seriously love it there. Still craving the outdoors on the weekends. I love how there are so many shades of green. The smell of the forest is absolutely amazing too. Makes me a bit dizzy. 

I feel like I'm starting on an outbound curve of that life spiral. Coming back around from the monthly inward/soul searching journey. Life feels really delightful. Back out of the dark & into the light. 

when the wind blows the tall grass around it is mesmerizing
I was thinking if I had a manifesto it would be something along the lines of 'spreading joy' or 'spreading happiness.'  Or both. 

There were bluebirds darting about this field. Every now & again I would see a flash of colour. I watched the swallows swoop & dip & soar, then the hawks, high above, almost seeming to not move at all.

Father's Day is coming up soon. I wish dad was still here for me to buy stupid presents for & ask his advice & ask him to help with dad things. It's weighing on a bit heavier this year. We were very reserved with each other. It was just not done to say 'I love you' or give hugs easily. That is one of the major things I wish my parents would have done differently but they were from a different generation.  That reservation made it so much harder when dad had his heart attack when I was 18. It put up a huge wall between us. He cried when I gave him a hug after visiting at the hospital simply because it was not something we did. 

It's a lesson in vulnerability that I have never forgotten. 


07 June 2015

perception

clouds reflected
I feel like I'm on the contraction side of expansion right now. Going inward on the spiral instead of outwards. I'm not sure why I feel so restless today, but there it is. Itchy feet. I think a walk will do me good. The building & neighbourhood feel unusually quiet today which is making me feel unsettled a bit. Paradoxical, I know. The sound of traffic has increased, but it seems muted, far away. Where are people going on a Sunday in such a hurry?

There were strange folks on the trails yesterday. One guy was dressed all in pink & his face was painted like a clown. I was just glad I felt like exploring yesterday & found an alternate way around the trailhead where scary pink clown dude was lurking with his group of weirdoes. (no disrespect to weirdoes, but whoa. Clowns in a forest? Definitely not my jam.) Maybe they were filming an art piece? I don't know what they were up to, but they were unnerving.

It's a bit cooler than usual. Last night felt particularly chilly, so I layered on the duvet. The upstairs neighbour still had her air conditioning on. My place felt cold with the windows open, never mind having air conditioning blasting away. I feel a bit worried for her that if she thinks *this* is hot, she'd better sit down when July/August rolls around.

The past few days I have been feeling crazy hungry. Nothing fills me up for long. I'm craving everything. Must be hormones. I made sausages, eggs & home fries for lunch today. I dreamed about sausages & eggs last week, so I figured I must really REALLY need sausages & eggs.

There is a lot of housework that I'm currently ignoring. It'll get done. It always does. Or, the most important things will get done & I'll leave the rest. Whatever. I'm just not super concerned if there is riff raff on the coffee table, or dishes to be washed, etc. It's signs of life & living. This isn't a museum where everything is lined up in perfect order. I want to be outside more on the weekends instead of shut up inside since I spend my week inside an office.

Also, lemon water. I'm craving it.

And so, I'm going to jump into my sandals & go for a wander. Maybe I'll work out the restlessness a little bit.

24 May 2015

iterations & respect

stay open
I stumbled across a Pinterest pin the other day that completely rocked my world. I even wrote down each bullet point in my journal, just so I could refer to it later. Each sentence seemed to make the light brighter, more crystalline, until bam. I had a breakthrough. I realized that in my previous relationship, I was not respected. Not even a little bit. This article just pressed that wound in the right way & I felt a bit yucky afterwards, as though I had detoxed something. I tidied up my old journals & found an entry about a thing that happened at the very beginning of that relationship at a friend's housewarming. The former s.o. was completely drunk to the point of being gross. His humour wasn't funny & he said something very crass. Shocked me & the guy he was trying to impress.

That former version of myself just didn't know what to do, didn't want to force a confrontation & just didn't know how to handle it. I was too worried about what other people would think. There is no doubt in my mind now that this iteration of myself would have simply told him he was too drunk to be around & left him at the party. Or maybe simply just left without a word. As we lived in a different city, I would have left it up to him to figure out how to get home on his own.

This moment of hurt & indecision at the party was pivotal. It coloured everything that followed afterwards. I fast forwarded in my journals to the ending of the relationship. I specifically went down the memory of the last moment before I broke the news that I was done. I remember how my limbs felt a bit heavier than usual as I went into the kitchen & poured myself a glass of water. I remember how hot it was that night & how exhausted I was from fighting the end. I haven't dwelled on that moment before, because there was only pain there & it just didn't seem kind to myself to keep picking at this wound. Or, I thought there was only pain there, but it actually feels like it has lead me to feeling grounded & whole.

15 May 2015

on not dimming my light


shine on

Writing in my journal this morning, it occurred to me that my past relationship was based on insecurity. I remembered a very strange moment when I had been 'checked out' by another guy at a bookstore & my partner at the time was watching this happen. I on the other hand, had absolutely no idea anyone was checking me out nor that my former partner was even in that part of the store. As far as I knew, he had gone to look at books in another section of the store nowhere near where I was browsing.

As we got into the car to go home, the ex started ranting & raving about this random guy checking me out. I was only dimly aware of another person walking down the aisle I was in & I don't even think I looked at this guy or spoke to him. I simply listened to the ranting & raving for a few minutes despite the deep confusion I was suddenly immersed in. The ex apparently doubled back through the store so I didn't see him & he was watching me browsing. I felt a chill creep up my spine hearing that. The clear ringing of a warning bell started going off at that point. I kept quiet, struggling through the confusion of what the hell was actually going on, until the ex got to the point where he rambled on how I belonged to him. You know, like a hat. Or a sweater. Or a pile of comic books.

07 May 2015

live with intention

I am filling up with light.
I have been getting outside more & more. It feels so good to just move & gently notice & get spring fever & breathe. It's been crazy busy at the office, & the new neighbours are seriously stressful.

01 April 2015

signs of life

I grew very quiet over the winter & had a REALLY bad case of winter blahs. Or, because I had a really bad case of winter blahs, I got really quiet. Or both. And I mean BAD WINTER BLAHS. I am so glad the weather is warming up, but the snow is still not completely gone. It is supposed to be 17 degrees Celsius tomorrow & possibly snow on Saturday. Wacky April weather. 

sun! glorious sun!

I have been so happy seeing the sunrise lately. Just to have actual sunshine has been amazing. AHMAZING after months of deep, dark, cold greyness. 

the blah of blahness. boo.

Right? Brr. This was my street after a snowfall & hadn't been plowed yet. It was slippery as heck. (Heck is extremely slippery by the way.)  I totally prefer warmer weather and ACTUAL SUNSHINE. 

So I nested & hid under all the blankets & fortified myself with never ending cups of tea & rewatches of BBC's Pride & Prejudice (the only one in my opinion worth watching.) Everything was slow & quieter. I picked up my crochet hook again & made a scarf. I read a LOT. The other day I felt jangled & jumpy. So I tidied & cleared up my Expedit! It feels much calmer. 

I went for a walk on the weekend because I was itching to get out of the house. It was quite brisk but nice to be outside. As I cut across the lawn of the school on the corner, a van went by with a logo on it with a play on the word 'metamorphosis.' I thought that was really cool.
A nice jolt of synchronicity.