24 August 2014

out of gas

I had a dream earlier this week that my car was almost out of gas & was dinging that it was on fumes. I desperately needed to find a gas station. In that strange surreal way of dreams, I asked people in front of me, even though I was inside a car, directions to the gas station. Once I located the gas station, I put my car on a conveyor belt since it shrank down to being toy size. As the conveyor belt slowly rolled forward, I looked for the gas nozzle. There were other people also with their cars on the conveyor belt. I found a tool & as I was using it I realized it was a tiny vacuum, shaped like a pencil ... a really fat pencil & it vacuumed up the grit & dust, but it wasn't what I was looking for. It wasn't the fuel I needed.

The sense of panic of running out of gas was large. I refused to ask for help on which implement was actually the gas nozzle to fill up. I was afraid of asking for some reason. It felt like I was being tested or judged. There would have been some kind of dire consequences or something.

Sure, I had a quarter of a tank left in the real car, & I kept meaning to fill it up, so it's easy to hand wave this dream away as anxiety about a simple chore. The dream felt more like a message to me. So I took a deeper meaning from being 'out of gas' that I wasn't filling up my well quickly enough. I am depleting something essential that isn't been replenished as quickly as I use it. It felt like I was on the wrong path or going the wrong way.

like waking from a beautiful dream and you are still here. journal seen at chapters.

I've been feeling rather tired of late. My legs & feet have been incredibly achy ... I'm assuming from the cute, but unsupportive sandals from Target I've been wearing. Also, sitting for 8 hours a day is incredibly bad for the body & soul. Yesterday I made the conscious decision to go back to bed for a nap in the afternoon. I felt headachy, tired & worn out. Despite the fact that it was a gorgeously sunny & warm day which has been quite rare this summer! I had to battle to get past the notion that I would be wasting this beautiful day if I took a nap. Since I set my alarm for an hour, & had a hard time waking up when that hour was over, it was pretty clear to me that I really, really needed that nap.

It occurred to me that I've been pushing through this tiredness, achiness & soul drought time & time again, instead of surrendering to it all. Stopping & resting when I need to. Rejuvenating. Letting my soul fill up again.

I went for a walk after dinner earlier this week, just after it rained. The truck shop was making a lot of racket that night & it was jangling my nerves. I needed peace & quiet. I came around the bend & saw this crazy hedge with new growth tendrils reaching outwards. I felt like this hedge, on the inside, all these little tendrils just reaching out into space. There was something so tender & beautiful about these tendrils that it brought a tear or two to my eye. There are quite a few big old trees in my neighbourhood & being under them felt like I was in a sacred space. Especially with everything dripping with raindrops & smelling of the wild earth & growing things.

15 August 2014

blue skies

I knocked the curtain rod off the living room window this morning. It's still lying on the floor where it fell. I'll fix it shortly so I can have a bit of privacy when it gets dark out. I'm still trying to decide what I want for dinner, & I better get crackalackin' if I want to eat before dark. It's been a long week that actually felt pretty short. I just don't know where the time has gone. It seems like it was only June last week. Now it's mid-August.

I got new tires on the car yesterday! I am already noticing a huge difference. The ride feels smoother & quieter! I'll be paying them off for a bit, but it was a necessary purchase.

I already feel a bit chilly tonight. The weather has been a bit ridiculous lately. It looks so nice out, but it's really cold for this time of year! There is a tree on my street which is already turning colour. It's time for a sweater & to curl up under the quilt on the couch I think.

11 August 2014

post weekend

I had a great weekend. I came out of my shell & hung out with actual people! It felt really good. Amazing breakfast meet up with Effy Wild on Sunday morning with her adorable housemate. First time we had actually met in the offline world, & it didn't even seem like it was the first meeting. That was super cool. Breakfast was also delicious. I saw a butterfly flitting about too. One of my words of the year is 'magic' & for about a week now, this word has been showing up in one way or another. It's been amazing this sense of synchronicity. 

When I got home after exploring about, I busted out the drill/driver & hung up the wooden shelf in the front hall. I'm totally desperate for a place to throw my keys when I walk in the door instead of losing them or forgetting to put them back in my bag. So that is exactly what I did tonight! I even thought of hanging my lunch bag containing my umbrella on the peg too. I'm so organized I can't even handle it. 

On my walkabout after breakfast I happened upon this alleyway. I love alleyways. I think it's the unvarnished 'behind the scenes' aspect to the tidy shop fronts that captivates me and the element of possible danger or mystery lurking somewhere in there. 

04 August 2014

weekend tidbits

I made this for The Rumi Project on Effy Wild's Ning. Just woke up on Saturday morning & busted out some paints & got to it. Didn't really think much while doing, got right into that blissed out zone. It felt good. 

Trying to get back into more actual sketching. I had the nose & mouth all wrong, but it was the first attempt I've made in a looong time to draw. 

Here's another doodle. Rabbit Lady. Since I have been seeing rabbits so much lately, I figured I'd incorporate rabbit ears in. I still don't like it because the proportions are off & makes me go ugh. But I'm just rusty. I know it's all about practicing. I didn't even really finish this one. Just wanted to get down something. 

It feels like it's going to rain again later. When I took this shot earlier this weekend, I had just finished running around to close all the windows & then mop up the water that had poured inside. I had been deeply engrossed in the book I was reading & didn't notice at first the rain was coming down so hard. The rain had actually made it all the way across the tub & onto the floor in the bathroom the rain was driving down so hard. In some parts of the city, intersections were flooded 30 centimeters deep.  

Now it's the end of the weekend, & back to the grind tomorrow. 

21 July 2014

wild spirit

Here is the progress I've made on my painting over the weekend. I felt really drawn to trying to paint an owl feather. I had found one on the path when I went for that labyrinth/hike. This painting is about accepting my wild spirit. You know what I'm talking about, I'm sure. That part hat feels the magic of being under big, tall trees, the soft cool air lifting my hair from my shoulders & thunderous with birdsong. Something in me uncoils & gets loose. Or, being suddenly at the lake, the air suddenly shifts & then the tang hits my nose & I know I have come home. I can feel the waves before I can even see them, frothy & mysterious, lapping at the shore. Something deep inside me corkscrews up. It is happy to be back in these elemental places & wants to dance or twirl.

16 July 2014

layers of the present

This canvas I painted in 2012. I felt like I had to paint over the majority of the canvas as my feelings changed about the painting, so I did. It never quite felt finished. However, I kept this upper corner because I 'liked' it. I thought I could reuse this section as I took the piece in a new direction. But it was a sign ... I wasn't quite ready to let go of this vision I had of what my life could become back in 2012. I had written a bunch of stuff on the back side ... I'll be adding more to the story when I get closer to the 'done' phase.

I started layering on colour & shapes & still, that upper left corner with its spirals & awesome colour palette still there. I do love these colours a lot. Doesn't this look just so ugly though in this phase?Totally ugly. It clearly looks like I'm trying to preserve something. Stepping back I realized that saving this section just wasn't working. It reminds me too much of the 'what if.' It was time to let go of that vision & work in the present moment. 2012 was gone. That moment of connection, however brief & intangible, (no matter how awesome & amazing & right I felt it to be) was over. 

That 'overness' was underscored this year quite strongly, when I attempted to reach out with a friendly gesture that was rebuffed in a way that deeply hurt & offended me. I can't have the reminder of this headspace (or heartspace) that the spirals represented because it just hurts too damn much. Still. After all this time.

So in one fell swoop of an old faux credit card, I scraped paint over that side of the canvas that I was desperately trying to preserve. I felt jumpy & nervous & excited. Slightly scared. I knew it was the right thing to do. I like how that old pattern is just slightly visible. It's like an archaeological dig of my soul. 

I'm working on the canvas now in this direction. I know, it looks weird apparently defying gravity while standing on the easel. I keep turning it around & adding things to it. I've added more things to it tonight that aren't pictured here. I'm just having fun experimenting with new things that are meaningful to me, right now, in this moment instead of dwelling  in the past or projecting myself into a future that doesn't exist. 

11 July 2014


I have been feeling SO exhausted this week. Crashing out at the latest by 10 & craving to go to bed around 8:30 or 9 pm. That is the best part of summer - those soft, pastel, light filled nights. I think I just need to do some restorative yoga somewhere in between coming home from work, dinner & going to bed. Also, side note, Champion makes really comfy gear that is not crazy expensive. Most happy ... we'll see how they hold up to a sweaty session of yoga in the living room.

Other things that have me captivated & such:

link to Brain Pickings article: Rethinking the Placebo Effect: How Our Minds Actually Affect Our Bodies

This quote turned me inside out last night:

"Run from what's comfortable. Forget safety. Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious. I have tried prudent planning long enough. From now on I'll be mad." (Rumi)